Off the Rails

At some point in every serious weight loss journey we say we are:

Off the wagon
In a lapse
taking a break
etc, etc,

Yesterday my image was of seeing into the distance of railroad tracks and at some point I don't see the tracks.

I am off the rails, I am derailed.

In describing this I realized that though I had a clear vision of a goal (the usual, fitting into pants, carrying less weight on my next overseas journey...) at some point out in the distance I COULD NOT SEE THE TRACKS.

I could use the train analogy further to say that my plan, the shakes, the packaged up lunch I take to the office, the avoidance of a 600 calorie croissant (which I clearly did not avoid yesterday)  is what it takes to get tot he goal.  But, what are the tracks?

For the religious, is this how you see faith?

For the atheists is this how you see "Fate?"

For me, the visual person, is it that the tracks are obscured?  Do they just dip in the distance below a hill and will be see-able when I get closer?

I don't know ow to move forward because I have no tracks.

So, is this the need for laying of new tracks?  I feel tired of this...  I need to think more about it.

Does my engine just stop.

Not the I think I can I think I can... or "fake it til you make it" mantra of my fanatic weight loss days.

More to noodle on, doodle on and discuss.

How my journey to a medically supervised Fast began.

It was spring, 2006 and if my best friend told me she was going on a Fast to lose weight I would say she was stupid.  I, the rationalist, the scientist, the practical one felt that the only way to lose weight was to "push yourself away from the table" as my mother would have said.  How could going on a Fast "teach" you anything about life in the real world... That is stupid.

Okay, so I saw an image of myself reflected in a telephone booth (ask your mom if you don't know what that is) and I looked huge.  I was huge.  I was at a family camp in summer 2006 and wore black shorts and tee shirt to hide, but I couldn't hide this.  I was fat, size 22 fat on my 5'5-1/2" frame.  The Lerner Company shorts, the baggy XL tee shirt and I was invisible.

My gynecologist told me about a Weight Loss program run out of John Muir Hospital in Walnut Creek that involved Fasting.  I really respect my doctor and I kind of tucked this information away.  A Fast is stupid, right? 

My daughter left for college that Fall and I called and signed up for a September "Fasting Group" at the "Metabolic Weight Loss" practice of Dr. Kamrath.  http://www.johnmuirhealth.com/services/weight-loss-metabolic-program.html. 

I showed up at 3:30 for a 4:30 group and I wrote about it.  I am sharing this with you just as I wrote it.  Desperate, sure sounds that way.  A Fast, so opposite from what I knew, I decided to do it.

This is what this blog is about, I was ready, I am very close friends with people I have joined with in my group and there IS life after losing weight through this method that is worth fighting for.  Join me.

Mortifying, feeling superior though physically I am not. Hating the place, I am feeling degraded and just mortified. I want to disappear. I am curling up inside. I will fight this because I am just not interested in anyone here. No one looks like me they look like Walnut Creek, they look like they did not go to work today. I will not connect, do I have to, do I get a gold star for subjecting myself to this humiliation? Am I going to fail again - do I give up and die? This has frightened me to talk of this... this a leap of faith that I am too smart (sarcastically said) to make. Am I limiting myself by demanding parity?



I don't look as bad as some and worse than others. I just am very very uncomfortable waiting here in the waiting room. people who know each other talking football and food...

Maybe I am not ready?



Why do I resist being one of them? I am so weird I want to have them all fear me, all admire me ; but I am the one who will fail after all, I want to set myself apart, I want, I need to be special.



The CD plays and we sit.