What does it mean when you (I) say I want this?

When I was a child my mother was a devotee of Flora Mir dark chocolate non pariels.  These were a favorite treat.  They came like so many shrimp swirled around in a circle in a clear plastic round box I see it clearly.  The chocolate was dark, very dark, and shiny and the multi color non pariels were bigger than what you see on today's version.

I got coffee a Peets.  Ah coffee is a gateway drug, I know this.  Yet, I went to Bank of America and got cash, knowing I was going to stop at the Bon Bon candy shop and get semi sweet chocolate non pariels.  I wanted them.

I also want to lose 15 ponds, I also want to get into condition for Japan, I also knew and felt I WAS NOT HUNGRY!  I wanted it.

What the Fuck?!!!

Esther would have said, or even I would have said, in group, walk away, let the thought wait 15 minutes... Or go buy yourself shoes, or anything...

I KNOW THAT!  I wanted it.  Was it a tie to my childhood?  It was a really poor substitute.  

Wanting it took over my good instincts, my resolve, my plans and my pride.  Happen to you?

Best Friends

It is tough on focus when your anchors come untethered.  Many in the weightloss group have slipped, collapsed, or even gained back all they lost when a parent died.  I know that my mother's death was a huge impact on my focus and my success and my gaining back of many pounds..

I can see another impact which is the uncertainty of a friendship.  When you have a friend and there is conflict, it can stop your focus.  I know that I become untethered in that I am angry but I fear speaking that for fear that the untethered becomes as broken as a death.

People say, "speak your truth" but sometimes that has a huge cost.  The uncertainty, I believe is the real enemy to focus and weight loss or management.  Rip off the bandaid, move on.

So, I wait, I eat and I float around waiting for a shoe to drop or the anchor to sink me.

I need to get a grip, it is my life.

3 inches

Okay, don't snicker, its not those 3 inches...

I put on a jacket that I wore on a trip 4 years ago and it would not close...by 3 inches...  The fact, the reality is that I am 3 inches BIGGER around my middle than I was 4 years ago.  Pounds?  maybe 15, but that 3 inches, that is the fact.

Those blue jeans I enjoyed being able to pull down without unbuttoning as a symbol of my weightloss and now these are "fitted" jeans.  No messing, no question, no uncertainty, no, excuse, I am sliding back to where I was for 60 years, overweight, unhealthy and self conscious.

3 inches between me and being a "rock star."  3 inches between me and ME.  3 inches might as well be the Grand Canyon.  I need to bridge this gap, to shoot this gap to cross over this gap, to stitch this together as I stitch my life together.

We can do this.  I can do this.

I need help... but don't we all?

The horror of slipping

After catching oneself on the downward slide leading to the re-entrenchment of weight on my body after 9 years of fighting it off I feel as though I am sticking out my foot to scrape the street to slow myself down.  I have my foot out, the smoke is rising from my shoe, will I slow down?

I  feel control coming, but oh, shit, a slippery spot and I am speeding up again.  Come on bear down, make more smoke, push harder.

You have to stop or you will die.

Weightloss.  it is intense sometimes.  Protecting your success is intense all the time.

Don't break the Seal

Steve was in our group for a while.  He had lost a great deal of weight.  I remember him talking about his love of popcorn and that on maintenance he was allowing himself a little popcorn, but only when he went to the movies, so it was okay.

Several weeks later he reported an upswing in movie attendance and popcorn consumption and he said that the inclusion of popcorn in his maintenance plan was a mistake, it was a food that he should not have "taken the seal off of."

So, we have come to talk about the foods we have put aside as ones that are trigger foods, or ones that imply you look at how many calories are in the bag or box, because it is likely that it is the entire bag or box that will go, if the package is opened at all as we are aware of our inability to limit our consumption of these special foods.

For me, these foods might trigger a warm feeling of my childhood, perhaps of toast at breakfast before school, and thus, bread and toast with their covering of butter is a food I need to keep sealed up.

I offer you this "in process" poster called, "Don't Break the Seal." Please use it to keep you on your plan and to keep certain foods away, for the time being.

Do it, Breaking the Seal will undermine your efforts.