Weight Management is a life long issue of emotional issues

I am quite shocked to see that I had not posted in over a year and a half.  My Trump depression continues and anger is swallowed down with shortbread and buttered bread.

Yet, I weigh myself every Monday morning and though I had lost 5 pounds on my recent trip to Japan, I have managed to gain back 10.  So here I am, still a successful maintainer of more than 2/3 of my weight loss, but definitely struggling to get "serious."

All of our lives as overweight people other have talked about "self discipline,"  "Control," and other such terms that have made all of us feel shitty.  Yet, as I sit here, it is of course true, but it is a nuanced true.

The fact that food is required separates this addiction from the alcoholics out there, so it is helpful to separate the functions that food provides.

I think I have said here within these pages, the question to ask yourself, "If you are hungry, eat an apple."  If an apple doesn't "cut it" then you are not hungry.

It is useful to feel hungry, it should not be something to fear, there are real people who feel real hungry and we, writers and readers of blogs, are just not them.  I feel good when I feel hungry.  I like that feeling of stopping, eating a small meal, and continuing on with what I am doing.  It is a moment of mindfulness stimulated by that feeling of hunger.  It is why I fast on Yom Kippur, it is a day of mindfulness stimulated by the change in routine and the absence of (mindless) eating.

So, today, June 20, 2018, I will eat smaller meals when I am hungry.  Let me know how this goes for you.  This is not a weight loss call to arms, it is a mindfulness call to arms. 

I can only control myself, I cannot control the day to day acts played out on MSNBC that makes me nuts.

Bonnie

Post Election Depression/Regression

From NYMagazine

"My patients were in a state of shock and grief, like at the funeral of someone you love and did not expect to die. And I felt the same way as my patients. As a psychologist, I was trying to help others deal with a negative event that affects us all. It is like the therapist is taking on a parent role — but in actuality, the patient wasn’t a child. My patient felt like a child due to overwhelming fear, so I had to take on the adult role and seek a solution"

Yup, the abandonment of my successful fitbit/Loseit strategy has been supplanted by the very frightened kid I was my whole life after my father died.

It is more than returning to old habits "slumming with the old Bonnie". It is more basic, it is that heart in my throat constant fear that I am trying to "relieve/ relive with a shortbread cookie or buttered bread.

I am a terrible grown up.  I am certainly thrown by the stupidity and fear engendered by the Trump win.

Absence should make you suspicious...

Almost 3 months... I should have written in August.  I was really in my Lose-it/Fitbit groove and went to a friend's son's wedding and looked fabulous in a sleeveless green dress.  I danced and was confident and felt fabulous.

The fanaticism of the eat only what my calorie budget allows including any additional calories granted by my exercise, was working quite well.

I wish I had written a blog entry because it would be a happy, this is great, I am on top of it blog entry.

If you remember, the primary "Mantra" for this phase of my journey was "don't screw this up."

I have not, but I have pushed it for the past month by not getting the steps in before expanding my calorie budget, and I have reverted to some behaviours that can only be referred to as "Slumming with the old me."  That's is the person who has the money to buy a roll and butter and then does.  Or that is the person who eats something after the voice in her head is saying "Say no to this" (Hamilton on Broadway... "Lord help me say no to this, I don't know how to say no to this...")

I am up 4 pounds this past couple of weeks because I am scared.

My husband had a health scare ( 2, actually), my sister in law was in a serious car accident (high speed chase SUV smashed into her) and it is the time of year, Rosh Hashonah and Yom Kippur whe self reflection and life and death are on the mind of every person of the Jewish faith.  So, add to that a basic nervousness about travelling to Japan, the fear of getting sick there, the fear of reverting to a previous pattern of too much sweets, too many rice crackers, and too much rice and food in general.

Sure, this time, I will use my Fitbit/Lose-it relationship as I did in England, but I am fearful of my weakness.  I prefer to see myself as successful.  this causes more stress and I fight  the urge to say, "the hell with it."  Because guess what fellow overweight people, that means, "the hell with me."

So I fight on.

B

YES! Keep on keeping on...

I waited until the Tuesday after we returned from London to weigh in and I was truly worried I would see a gain, a BIG loss.  The BIG loss would be the faith I had in the juxtaposition of Lose It and Fitbit as the "accountant" for my calories in and calories out.  I was very concerned that I would lose this "planning" rubric. Well.... I DID LOSE WEIGHT so I hereby pronounce that this WORKS with the caveat that it worked for me.

So, I am back on my food, my grilled chicken with lots of veggies, but I have added a low cal flatbread black forest ham and avocado sandwich and have pushed myself to walk at least the 5000 steps that would get me a little bonus.  When I run out of calories, I either go for a walk or just stop eating. 

Expansions of food.  I can see that some of the foods that have been a problem in the past have crept in, the sandwich, the having of ham in the house, the flat bread that lead me to an egg for breakfast rather than my shake are all concerning and I am keeping a close eye on my weight.  I may not have as much of a loss this week, I fear, and I will adjust.

Anyway, to those of you who were waiting, I hope this was good news.  Lose it and Fitbit it.

What if Fitbit inflates the calories expended?

I do not feel that I have lost weight on this trip, despite treating everyday seriously as a relationship between calories in (Lose It) and energy expended as measured by Fitbit.  I will be back from vacation in a few days and what if the scale shows that I have gained rather than lost weight, though I had been so scrupulous.  I am seriously nervous, seriously concerned and seriously worried.  I eat to the Lose it calories indicated.  I start with 1100 and have "earned" up to 900 from walking over 20K steps.

What if I have been wrong on my calorie entry (I have been very conservative), what if I really don't burn 900 calories when I walk 20,000 steps?

Nervous.  Based on my basis of 1130 calories, I should have lost a little weight, minimum held within a pound, but NOT gained.  After almost 4 weeks of such cautious eating I seriously should have lost weight.

SO, if I didn't I cannot trust Fit Bit, or I cannot trust Lose It and this would be a big big loss for me going forward.

Here's to Fit Bit as a partner in the plan.

I am happy on days I do 16-20K steps, not because of endorphins, or because I love exercise, but "lose it" syncs with Fit Bit and gives me a bonus number of calories.  I think I got 946 for 20K of steps. Now, as I travel, this is a great incentive as I can then enjoy that wonderful meal out with my husband in any number of fabulous restaurants on our trip.

Today, we started off with a terrific place called Circus Bistro in Edinburgh and the single poached egg was on fabulous toast with two small pieces of what looks like Canadian bacon, mostly meat. I accounted for all of it on Lose it and knew I needed to walk tonight.  So we walked.  

Obviously sometimes this does not work.  Circumstance and place must take some precidence like stopping for afternoon tea at the Willow Tea room in Glasgow.  You must make room for this luxury.  No dinner for me, for sure.  I put it in Lose it and I am syncing like crazy to get my final number.

THe use of the Fit Bit to work hand in hand with my calorie intake quantifies things for me more than Esther saying, "you have to exercise to lose weight."  IF and it is an IF based on faith in the program on Fitbit that I "Truely" earned (expended) 946 worth of calories in that 20K of steps.  Obviously, IF I gain weight (when I return to the world), with this balance of calories/exercise bonus, then it is not accurate. HOwever, this is okay.

So, let's look at going over or as Lose it would refer to it as having a negative calorie balance or 

In the red."

This is, of course the "screw up" I referred to.  It is Truely a new day everyday with both of these tools, what a great lesson it teaches.

Screw up

I have kind of become dependent on that "bump" like it is that cocaine in the small bottle that the addict begs for from the guy in the movie I just saw.

No bump today, rainy and cold, not much more than 11K steps today and only a little bump but I had a really nice breakfast and a hamburger dinner and more than one service of my French cookies.

That BUMP should have meant I did not go into the cookies, instead I used the cookies to sooth the fear of my screwing up.

Tomorrow is a NEW DAY and I will have two meals out with family.  My plan is clear.

simple and light breakfast, walk a minimum of 16,000 steps and I should be back on track.  Tomorrow, no cookies.

I must not bring this good thing to an end... I shall begin again tomorrow.

Let it go.