Medical Mindfulness or listen to what smashes you in the head.

I have talked before about the fear that drove my success of the Medically supervised fast in 2006-2007 that resulted in my 72 pound weight loss.  After I had two regurgitating days, I started to come down with a cold on Tuesday.  Yup, a head filling, house rattling coughing fit and disgusting sounding nose blowing cold.

So, since I was away, I didn't do much and I came home last Friday and have been in bed for 3 full days.  My mindfulness continues as my stomach as fully recovered, that is no more gurgling and I feared that I might slip back into my old ways.  Evidenced by a marble cake in Carmel, CA with that gateway drug, Cappuccino.  I immediately felt bad.  This was an emotional "bad" not a physical "bad" and I was concerned.  I think I would have preferred a bout of puking.

So the stop at TJ on the way home, to check into bed, I bought a boneless, skinless chicken breast and went to bed.

I cut off about a third, and I did not want any more.  At dinner, I did the same and again, I stopped way before I was full.  I am conscious of not wanting to feel full.

Without going through every meal, I want to get across that I am going to bed slightly hungry, I am eating modestly.  I have gone gluten free and have rye bread that is small (very expensive) and is working as a sandwich encasing chicken, or a turkey burger.

What I am seeing is that with this mindfulness I have had a week of seeing that I really CAN exist on less, that I risk less upset both phyisically and emotionally by eating lighter.  I am committed to keeping this going.

I wanted you to know that sometimes what hits you upside the head should sometimes be listened to.

Digging out, in a good way

My last post seems to have created a concern and I can report that though I am not fully physically recovered, I am maintaining my fear of all things with fat.  I looked at an "Ande" chocolate mint at the Physical Therapist's office and put it down out of fear.

This was a good fear and it sustained me during my fast in 2006/2007 and I am going to try to maintain it.

The intrusion of the fats of New year or "FONY" for short, came on top of a 4 day gap in my prophylactic Prilosec so my gut was like the Starship Enterprise attacked with its shields down.  My continuing discomfort is expected as I recover, but I am very much in touch with the pains, the discomforts and I am quick conscious, thank you.

I gave the heel of a rye bread to the dog rather than eat it as I felt it contributed to my discomfort.  I am taking on gluten free as well as fat free for a while until I settle down.

As I write this, I am preparing for a three day trip to Monterey.  I am not sure how to eat except to have shakes and I may expand that to turkey and steamed veggies as I can.  No fish and chips, for sure, though they were great last year.

Having pain can be quite a good stimulant to mindfulness.  let's see how it goes.

Any others out there who have experienced such abuse at your own hands?

What was I thinking? or, is this "The Lost Weekend?"

Deep in an alcoholic demise Ray Milland self destructs in a weekend bender that ends all benders inn the movie "The Lost Weekend.".  People who struggle with weight are addictive personalities, and understanding our addiction in the parallels of alcoholism may help me "get on the wagon."

For over 30 years we have given a New Years' Day party.  I serve my famous (actually Joyce Chen's famous) ribs and vegetarian chili.  Over the years I have changed the other items as I saw what people ate and what was exciting at the time.  This year was a doozy.  Deviled eggs, guacamole, cheese, salmon cream cheese on rye, and chocolate wafer whipped cream cake.  Oh and there were peppers, too.

As the hostess, I ran around, but I tasted the ribs, salmon, eggs, cheese and cake and then finished off with chili.  Uh, do you see what is next?  Do you see what is in common with what I chose to serve?

I did as I puked out my guts at midnight New Year's Day and the next morning as well.  What the fuck was I thinking.  If not just for my self, for my guests as well.  I feel really stupid as I am laying here on day two of my Lost Weekend vowing never to eat a food with fat in it again.

Tea and Toast.

I have made note of this for next year.  Steven wondered if I got a 24 hour bug, but I know better.  I completely abused my body.  Not to mention the brilliance for following whipped cream cake with chili.

So, as I go into the new year and I do know that resolutions are stupid, I am really afraid of the repeat of the fear, pain and personal recriminations that my food behavior wrought on my body as I was on my knees at the throne. 

I slept  fine last night, I am recovering, but I want to keep a touch of the fear as I had when I did the fast when I had a deadly fear of a gall bladder attack. 

I share this in my embarrassment, in my scraping of the bottom and in the hope for a better Bonnie in 2016.