What was I thinking? or, is this "The Lost Weekend?"

Deep in an alcoholic demise Ray Milland self destructs in a weekend bender that ends all benders inn the movie "The Lost Weekend.".  People who struggle with weight are addictive personalities, and understanding our addiction in the parallels of alcoholism may help me "get on the wagon."

For over 30 years we have given a New Years' Day party.  I serve my famous (actually Joyce Chen's famous) ribs and vegetarian chili.  Over the years I have changed the other items as I saw what people ate and what was exciting at the time.  This year was a doozy.  Deviled eggs, guacamole, cheese, salmon cream cheese on rye, and chocolate wafer whipped cream cake.  Oh and there were peppers, too.

As the hostess, I ran around, but I tasted the ribs, salmon, eggs, cheese and cake and then finished off with chili.  Uh, do you see what is next?  Do you see what is in common with what I chose to serve?

I did as I puked out my guts at midnight New Year's Day and the next morning as well.  What the fuck was I thinking.  If not just for my self, for my guests as well.  I feel really stupid as I am laying here on day two of my Lost Weekend vowing never to eat a food with fat in it again.

Tea and Toast.

I have made note of this for next year.  Steven wondered if I got a 24 hour bug, but I know better.  I completely abused my body.  Not to mention the brilliance for following whipped cream cake with chili.

So, as I go into the new year and I do know that resolutions are stupid, I am really afraid of the repeat of the fear, pain and personal recriminations that my food behavior wrought on my body as I was on my knees at the throne. 

I slept  fine last night, I am recovering, but I want to keep a touch of the fear as I had when I did the fast when I had a deadly fear of a gall bladder attack. 

I share this in my embarrassment, in my scraping of the bottom and in the hope for a better Bonnie in 2016.