Post Election Depression/Regression

From NYMagazine

"My patients were in a state of shock and grief, like at the funeral of someone you love and did not expect to die. And I felt the same way as my patients. As a psychologist, I was trying to help others deal with a negative event that affects us all. It is like the therapist is taking on a parent role — but in actuality, the patient wasn’t a child. My patient felt like a child due to overwhelming fear, so I had to take on the adult role and seek a solution"

Yup, the abandonment of my successful fitbit/Loseit strategy has been supplanted by the very frightened kid I was my whole life after my father died.

It is more than returning to old habits "slumming with the old Bonnie". It is more basic, it is that heart in my throat constant fear that I am trying to "relieve/ relive with a shortbread cookie or buttered bread.

I am a terrible grown up.  I am certainly thrown by the stupidity and fear engendered by the Trump win.

Absence should make you suspicious...

Almost 3 months... I should have written in August.  I was really in my Lose-it/Fitbit groove and went to a friend's son's wedding and looked fabulous in a sleeveless green dress.  I danced and was confident and felt fabulous.

The fanaticism of the eat only what my calorie budget allows including any additional calories granted by my exercise, was working quite well.

I wish I had written a blog entry because it would be a happy, this is great, I am on top of it blog entry.

If you remember, the primary "Mantra" for this phase of my journey was "don't screw this up."

I have not, but I have pushed it for the past month by not getting the steps in before expanding my calorie budget, and I have reverted to some behaviours that can only be referred to as "Slumming with the old me."  That's is the person who has the money to buy a roll and butter and then does.  Or that is the person who eats something after the voice in her head is saying "Say no to this" (Hamilton on Broadway... "Lord help me say no to this, I don't know how to say no to this...")

I am up 4 pounds this past couple of weeks because I am scared.

My husband had a health scare ( 2, actually), my sister in law was in a serious car accident (high speed chase SUV smashed into her) and it is the time of year, Rosh Hashonah and Yom Kippur whe self reflection and life and death are on the mind of every person of the Jewish faith.  So, add to that a basic nervousness about travelling to Japan, the fear of getting sick there, the fear of reverting to a previous pattern of too much sweets, too many rice crackers, and too much rice and food in general.

Sure, this time, I will use my Fitbit/Lose-it relationship as I did in England, but I am fearful of my weakness.  I prefer to see myself as successful.  this causes more stress and I fight  the urge to say, "the hell with it."  Because guess what fellow overweight people, that means, "the hell with me."

So I fight on.

B

YES! Keep on keeping on...

I waited until the Tuesday after we returned from London to weigh in and I was truly worried I would see a gain, a BIG loss.  The BIG loss would be the faith I had in the juxtaposition of Lose It and Fitbit as the "accountant" for my calories in and calories out.  I was very concerned that I would lose this "planning" rubric. Well.... I DID LOSE WEIGHT so I hereby pronounce that this WORKS with the caveat that it worked for me.

So, I am back on my food, my grilled chicken with lots of veggies, but I have added a low cal flatbread black forest ham and avocado sandwich and have pushed myself to walk at least the 5000 steps that would get me a little bonus.  When I run out of calories, I either go for a walk or just stop eating. 

Expansions of food.  I can see that some of the foods that have been a problem in the past have crept in, the sandwich, the having of ham in the house, the flat bread that lead me to an egg for breakfast rather than my shake are all concerning and I am keeping a close eye on my weight.  I may not have as much of a loss this week, I fear, and I will adjust.

Anyway, to those of you who were waiting, I hope this was good news.  Lose it and Fitbit it.

What if Fitbit inflates the calories expended?

I do not feel that I have lost weight on this trip, despite treating everyday seriously as a relationship between calories in (Lose It) and energy expended as measured by Fitbit.  I will be back from vacation in a few days and what if the scale shows that I have gained rather than lost weight, though I had been so scrupulous.  I am seriously nervous, seriously concerned and seriously worried.  I eat to the Lose it calories indicated.  I start with 1100 and have "earned" up to 900 from walking over 20K steps.

What if I have been wrong on my calorie entry (I have been very conservative), what if I really don't burn 900 calories when I walk 20,000 steps?

Nervous.  Based on my basis of 1130 calories, I should have lost a little weight, minimum held within a pound, but NOT gained.  After almost 4 weeks of such cautious eating I seriously should have lost weight.

SO, if I didn't I cannot trust Fit Bit, or I cannot trust Lose It and this would be a big big loss for me going forward.

Here's to Fit Bit as a partner in the plan.

I am happy on days I do 16-20K steps, not because of endorphins, or because I love exercise, but "lose it" syncs with Fit Bit and gives me a bonus number of calories.  I think I got 946 for 20K of steps. Now, as I travel, this is a great incentive as I can then enjoy that wonderful meal out with my husband in any number of fabulous restaurants on our trip.

Today, we started off with a terrific place called Circus Bistro in Edinburgh and the single poached egg was on fabulous toast with two small pieces of what looks like Canadian bacon, mostly meat. I accounted for all of it on Lose it and knew I needed to walk tonight.  So we walked.  

Obviously sometimes this does not work.  Circumstance and place must take some precidence like stopping for afternoon tea at the Willow Tea room in Glasgow.  You must make room for this luxury.  No dinner for me, for sure.  I put it in Lose it and I am syncing like crazy to get my final number.

THe use of the Fit Bit to work hand in hand with my calorie intake quantifies things for me more than Esther saying, "you have to exercise to lose weight."  IF and it is an IF based on faith in the program on Fitbit that I "Truely" earned (expended) 946 worth of calories in that 20K of steps.  Obviously, IF I gain weight (when I return to the world), with this balance of calories/exercise bonus, then it is not accurate. HOwever, this is okay.

So, let's look at going over or as Lose it would refer to it as having a negative calorie balance or 

In the red."

This is, of course the "screw up" I referred to.  It is Truely a new day everyday with both of these tools, what a great lesson it teaches.

Screw up

I have kind of become dependent on that "bump" like it is that cocaine in the small bottle that the addict begs for from the guy in the movie I just saw.

No bump today, rainy and cold, not much more than 11K steps today and only a little bump but I had a really nice breakfast and a hamburger dinner and more than one service of my French cookies.

That BUMP should have meant I did not go into the cookies, instead I used the cookies to sooth the fear of my screwing up.

Tomorrow is a NEW DAY and I will have two meals out with family.  My plan is clear.

simple and light breakfast, walk a minimum of 16,000 steps and I should be back on track.  Tomorrow, no cookies.

I must not bring this good thing to an end... I shall begin again tomorrow.

Let it go.

5 days into the trip --- so how goes the theory and practice?

I have thought about reporting my progress and I felt it was really important to give you the reality of my plan and an update on the "epiphany."

Two Apps:  Lose It and Fitbit  If I walk over 10,000 steps I get a small "bump" in the calories and at 16,000 I get a good sized bump.  This reflects what I have always known about traveling, I walk more, I can eat more.  Duh.  I understand this.  I thought about being concerned that I would get used to eating more when I got home, no, even here, I eat up to my Losing it limit 1134, period. 

Okay,  so, I started slow, because I am not counting on the "bump" until I know I am going over 10K.  So, I had an egg and heading out to Photograph New York.  Around 11:30 I was near a special place, a place my mother and I used to go to after a shopping trip downtown, Burger Heaven next to Paley Park.  I had had a turkey burger last week and since I did not know its composition I had to assume that it was a mix of dark and white meat and it was a big hit to my total.  I saw that their turkey burger was all breast meat, so I went for it and it was on a nice bun... I put it in the Losing it program. 

Here is what I am doing.  If I did not get the "bump" I might very well have had only a yogurt for dinner or added an apple or what I did yesterday, a protein salad at 360cal.  Instead, I kept walking until my knees started to hurt at 15, 000 steps, I got back to hotel at 16000 and sync'd my Fit Bit and there was  my bump...

We went to a famous steak house (Keen's, it was fabulous and not wildly expensive in the Pub) and ate off their Pub Menu, Sirloin (8oz) salad, cauliflower and broccoli sauteed.  My dinner with 5oz of beer, 8 oz of sirloin and butter (for sure) on the veggies was COMPLETELY WITHIN WHAT LOSE IT ALLOWED.  Oh yes, hubby got a cheese cake and I had added a potential for 2 oz of it for me, I had about 1/2 but left it as is in Losing it.  Guess what, I have 300 left.  Not hungry.

So, Guess what, followers, it is going GREAT!!!

Lessons... there was great bread on table, and alarm bells rang, I had two small pieces and knew that bread was one thing I could not use my "bump" for, except for on a burger/sandwich, its worth it.  Using it to have 8 oz rather than 6, was okay, being okay with a taste of Cheese Cake.

So far, so good.

B

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

Okay, so that was a direct steal from Weight Watchers, but it is true.  I am in Month 2 of Bonnie World recovery mode.  I am down at least 10 pounds but way way up in consciousness, knowledge and, today, a sense of "wow, this is fun" that I have not had since "the fast."

To catch up.  I have created my own world of food.  I am having the best meal of chicken and lots of veggies cooked on my grill pan once, or sometimes twice a day. I am still having a shake for break fast and maybe for another meal if I have over indulged in my "best meal."

Here is what is new and I am really anxious to get this clear and to share with you.  The fast was a complete world.  No decisions to be made about where to eat, what to eat and then, no recriminations about eating this or that, fanaticism is easy.  The rapid weight loss led to many of the happy occaisions I have documented in my other blog (a private blog) about crying (for joy) in a JCrew dressing room when I bought some amazing looking blue jeans. And looked great. [rather than the typical crying when nothing fits that we have all experienced...]

I have said that Moderation is difficult and perhaps, it might be more realistically said to be impossible, based on my 5-6 years of unsuccessful moderation (Gaining back 30 of my 72 pound loss).  Okay, it was still a successful period as I did not got all the way back... Yes, I know that, but Moderation is a bitch.

Okay, so what I have done in FLIPPING THE SWITCH was to have hit 32# up and said, ENOUGH! And I began what others have termed and I now call the Bonnie Modified fast.  Where I have shakes (1-2) and a grilled protein dinner with steamed veggies.  Well, what I am doing now is tastier and getting me to eat many more green veggies and the little bit of olive oil is just calculated in because I saute all of it.

I have my world and to violate it with a candy, a piece of bread is -right now- "screwing it up" as I am losing weight, I am not hungry and I want to keep on going. 

Of course, Esther, long of memory, casually dismissed my timing as "you always do this before you go away."  This gave me pause because it pissed me off, and because it was true.  I knew that I had done this and I also saw that I had gained upon return.  I had realized that I had lost weight before a trip, maintained on a trip because of the increased exercise, but had always gained weight AFTER the trip and it was the after the trip that concerned me.  I realized that it was NOT the after, it was the DURING that was the key.

This is way interesting to me and two weeks ago in group, I really came to an epiphany.  

OKAY here we go

Going on a big trip is like (and for some a reality) going on a cruise, eating at a buffet/smorgasbord, all you can eat special.  "You want to get your money's worth"

I think that it isn't that the food on a trip "doesn't count" like those calories in a partial cookie, or a meal eaten standing up, but that it is the NEW foods, the UNUSUAL foods, the Emotional repeat foods (croissant, Chester heights cookies, Carnegie pastrami, pan quoitren chocolate chip cookie, butter-field market cookies, soft pretzel, French fries, steak, etc, etc, etc and. In Japan, the cake, ahhhh, the cake.

In the "World" as the Viet Nam vets called it, I have a world of foods, ESPECIALLY now that I have created this "BonnieWorld" of the last two months.

I realized that it isn't the amount of food, it is the expansion beyond the calculable, beyond the basic needs, beyond the world, the "bubble" I needed to create to succeed at weight loss recovery.   So, it wasn't the croissant or fries at Paris' heart that went to my gut, it was the fries and croissant that followed me home to the search for the best croissant or a memorable meal at a French restaurant, complete with pomes frites.

So, as I approach 4 weeks of travel, my way is clear.  I will have a special meal by design, but when I am just refueling, I will keep my palette of choices ... Get it, bad pun, my palette of choices in the narrow, calculable, realm of my sphere, of comfort, of success, of "the world,". Of "my world." 

SO, no, I will not go crazy at the buffet even if I have done 16000 steps with new foods.  If I have a 10 oz steak, vs a 6 oz steak, so be it, but don't add in the dessert, it is not part of "the limited world."

Afternoon tea, scones, clotted cream... Need to work that out.  Maybe it is a once/week thing on the trip.  4 times, that is it, no more.  Ok...

Get it?

Got it...Go

NO

The Power and joy of the Challenge

The opposite of success is failure and as people who have gained and lost weight, struggled to maintain weight we have experienced way more failure than success.

One aspect of the Fasting Diet (Doctor's Answer is what I used) is that the weight loss is so very quick and in many ways "painless."  What I see as missing are the real life successes that only dealing with real food and challenges can offer.  Whereas with the fast there is only one type of failure, cheating and if you cheat, you are really done, give it up.

On Maintenance it is all shades of gray, this is why it is so very hard to do.  Fanaticism is easy, Moderation is a bitch. ( a modification of my previous statement)

What I have seen in the last 3 weeks of what I can only call "Fanatic Moderation" is that my successes are very empowering and are very challenging and like other successes where I am thrilled by "not screwing up" I am having fun.

I am doing what came to be called the "Bonnie Modified Fast."  Where, because I was in business and often had a lunch or dinner to attend I used the 3rd week of what my program called "Transition"  and made it my PLAN.

I have a shake when I wake and one or 2 more in a day and one of my meals is a fabulous grilled chicken or other protein with a large salad (I do love lunch at the Whole Foods Salad Bar) and I don't skimp.  Carbs are rarely in my world -- right now --

So, last night I knew I would go out to eat with a friend before an art opening.  We both ordered a Caesar salad and I added Anchovies and Chicken.  They put a basket of fabulous smelling focaccia on the table.

I ate my salad and gee a really beautiful and crispy looking piece of bread was calling my name.  I thought, well, it won't hurt.  And, truthfully, calorie wise it most certainly would not have "hurt" my day's totals.  But I said to myself, no, don't blow your streak, your challenge to see how long you can resist.

Like my basketball team, the Golden State Warriors, the streak of winning is a high and fun and feels really special.  So, I did not touch the bread.

Like my travels in Japan when I figure out where to get the train, figure out which track and with some little knowledge of Japanese, get off at the exactly right station and where I am going is right in front of me, I feel like a fist pump and a smile are appropriate because I was competent, I did it myself, I did not screw up, I made it where I intended to go.

Right now, I am on the right train, I want to take it as far as I can towards my goal, and the process is a good type of challenge.

I don't want to screw up.

B

Medical Mindfulness or listen to what smashes you in the head.

I have talked before about the fear that drove my success of the Medically supervised fast in 2006-2007 that resulted in my 72 pound weight loss.  After I had two regurgitating days, I started to come down with a cold on Tuesday.  Yup, a head filling, house rattling coughing fit and disgusting sounding nose blowing cold.

So, since I was away, I didn't do much and I came home last Friday and have been in bed for 3 full days.  My mindfulness continues as my stomach as fully recovered, that is no more gurgling and I feared that I might slip back into my old ways.  Evidenced by a marble cake in Carmel, CA with that gateway drug, Cappuccino.  I immediately felt bad.  This was an emotional "bad" not a physical "bad" and I was concerned.  I think I would have preferred a bout of puking.

So the stop at TJ on the way home, to check into bed, I bought a boneless, skinless chicken breast and went to bed.

I cut off about a third, and I did not want any more.  At dinner, I did the same and again, I stopped way before I was full.  I am conscious of not wanting to feel full.

Without going through every meal, I want to get across that I am going to bed slightly hungry, I am eating modestly.  I have gone gluten free and have rye bread that is small (very expensive) and is working as a sandwich encasing chicken, or a turkey burger.

What I am seeing is that with this mindfulness I have had a week of seeing that I really CAN exist on less, that I risk less upset both phyisically and emotionally by eating lighter.  I am committed to keeping this going.

I wanted you to know that sometimes what hits you upside the head should sometimes be listened to.

Digging out, in a good way

My last post seems to have created a concern and I can report that though I am not fully physically recovered, I am maintaining my fear of all things with fat.  I looked at an "Ande" chocolate mint at the Physical Therapist's office and put it down out of fear.

This was a good fear and it sustained me during my fast in 2006/2007 and I am going to try to maintain it.

The intrusion of the fats of New year or "FONY" for short, came on top of a 4 day gap in my prophylactic Prilosec so my gut was like the Starship Enterprise attacked with its shields down.  My continuing discomfort is expected as I recover, but I am very much in touch with the pains, the discomforts and I am quick conscious, thank you.

I gave the heel of a rye bread to the dog rather than eat it as I felt it contributed to my discomfort.  I am taking on gluten free as well as fat free for a while until I settle down.

As I write this, I am preparing for a three day trip to Monterey.  I am not sure how to eat except to have shakes and I may expand that to turkey and steamed veggies as I can.  No fish and chips, for sure, though they were great last year.

Having pain can be quite a good stimulant to mindfulness.  let's see how it goes.

Any others out there who have experienced such abuse at your own hands?

What was I thinking? or, is this "The Lost Weekend?"

Deep in an alcoholic demise Ray Milland self destructs in a weekend bender that ends all benders inn the movie "The Lost Weekend.".  People who struggle with weight are addictive personalities, and understanding our addiction in the parallels of alcoholism may help me "get on the wagon."

For over 30 years we have given a New Years' Day party.  I serve my famous (actually Joyce Chen's famous) ribs and vegetarian chili.  Over the years I have changed the other items as I saw what people ate and what was exciting at the time.  This year was a doozy.  Deviled eggs, guacamole, cheese, salmon cream cheese on rye, and chocolate wafer whipped cream cake.  Oh and there were peppers, too.

As the hostess, I ran around, but I tasted the ribs, salmon, eggs, cheese and cake and then finished off with chili.  Uh, do you see what is next?  Do you see what is in common with what I chose to serve?

I did as I puked out my guts at midnight New Year's Day and the next morning as well.  What the fuck was I thinking.  If not just for my self, for my guests as well.  I feel really stupid as I am laying here on day two of my Lost Weekend vowing never to eat a food with fat in it again.

Tea and Toast.

I have made note of this for next year.  Steven wondered if I got a 24 hour bug, but I know better.  I completely abused my body.  Not to mention the brilliance for following whipped cream cake with chili.

So, as I go into the new year and I do know that resolutions are stupid, I am really afraid of the repeat of the fear, pain and personal recriminations that my food behavior wrought on my body as I was on my knees at the throne. 

I slept  fine last night, I am recovering, but I want to keep a touch of the fear as I had when I did the fast when I had a deadly fear of a gall bladder attack. 

I share this in my embarrassment, in my scraping of the bottom and in the hope for a better Bonnie in 2016.